I've written a pun a day over at my Scrivolity tumblr. Tonight I hit 365. So to celebrate here are 100 of the less terrible ones...
- My brother sequenced his whole genome and put it in a spreadsheet. I said, Bill, you’ve excelled yourself.
- What is "vicarious research"? Asking for a friend
- – Those are killer shoes!
– Not really, they’re moccassassins
- I tried to invent a single-digit number system but it proved untenable.
- An A-Team fancy dress party? Not sure I can’t face it.
- "And now to round 3 of our genetic engineering quiz: Fingers on buzzards..."
- When I solved the anagram "COUNT A SNAIL GROT", I thought: congratulations are in order.
- Remorse code: the language of hopes dashed
- I’m working on a basic introduction to Americanisms. It’s called “’Pacifiers’ for ‘Dummies’”
- I hear your canal boat sank. My gondolances
- I like the M6 but Spaghetti Junction’s a major turnoff.
- Every time I hear a hypochondria gag I wonder if I’ve got it.
- I’d like to open a massive clothing store called “Big Ts” and then refuse to sell any T-shirts.
- My general knowledge is appalling. My sergeant knowledge is little better. I’m a rank amateur
- What? Redoing a Steven King horror as a Pixar adventure story? You couldn’t make It Up.
- I once owned a cheese-eating insect. Briefly
- Yul Brynner isn’t competitive about musical roles. He knows it’s all about the Thai king part
- My boss hates over-familiar greetings so if I catch myself saying “Hiya”, I always follow up with a devastating karate chop.
- If you still don’t know why Jesus died, I've got two words for you.
- – You’ve lived 30 years on Loch Ness and never discussed the monster?
– It never came up.
- I could tell he went to public school. He had that harrowed look.
- I’d love to join your miniature Hindustani band tonight. Unfortunately I can’t get a baby sitar
- If you think I’m going to remake an 80s B-movie you’ve got another Thing coming.
- – Can you recite any of the Nazirite vows?
– Not off the top of my head.
- I will pass your English exam, you mark my words
- The filthiest radiographer was “X-ray Ted”
- I don’t think the Scarecrow was stupid, I just think he made a lot of straw man arguments.
- Psychic extremists need to find a happy medium.
- I can never properly calculate my Body Mass Index. I’m a bit dense sometimes
- Camus was a tricky philosopher to get your header round.
- Shout Out to all the scapegoats
- I can confirm now that I’m a bishop
- “There was Damon Albarn, Alex James, and, to be honest the rest is a bit of a blur.”
- Trojan Horse: one trick pony
- * France's greatest prosecutor was Jack Hughes
* Italy's worst lawyer was Mia Culpa
* Israel's greatest legal expert was the Jewess Prudence
- I'm not saying John Williams is a drug addict, just that he's always making arrangements to score.
- The calmest lizard was the camemileon
- The first salvaging contract for the Titanic has been awarded. Well done guys, take a bow.
- I get an obscene amount of money for each stanza of poetry I write. It’s perverse.
- – Those Japanese poems are genius.
– Meh, I’d call them High IQ.
- Every time I ask my wife for specifics she says “Wocka, Wocka, Wocka.” She’s fozzie on the details
- I know tasseography and oceanography sound like fun but you’ve got to read the teas and seas
- My beautician is draining excess fluids from my body. I’m pretty pumped
- At the Flatliners World Championships they always play sudden death
- You want to add your fancy “wearable technology” to my trusty Casio? Not on my watch.
- If you like building personalised lighthouses that’s your own lookout.
- Cuba’s big problem has been finding a successor to Castro but no one wants to play second Fidel
- If it’s all the same to you I’ll call you a monist
- - Ready for our orthopaedics exam?
- Yes I’ve really boned up. Have u studied the narcotics directory?
- Think I’m up to speed
- Is it just me or does the word synaesthesia smell purple?
- - I can't stand all you cattle ranchers.
- Cowboys, the lot of you.
- You herd.
- Those who lose their faith go off the depend.
- - You say Standby
- I say Hibernate
- Let's call the whole thing Off
- My mate's IQ is very average. He's a simple ton. (Sorry if that sounds mean)
- As the tribute band played Hoppipolla I thought “Close but no Sigur.”
- Phew! Survived Pamplona. Dodged a bullock there.
- I love collecting Hebrew words, can I get an Amen?
- Depict Europe’s tallest mountain? I’m drawing a blanc.
- I tried ordering from “Pistachios To You”. It’s driving me nuts.
- My boss has me ranking colas all day long. It’s soda grading.
- Knuckle sandwiches are fine. Just roll with the punches.
- The iCloud’s fine but Dropbox gets my backup
- Gangrene costs an almondy leg
- Wait a minute, did seahorses invent water polo?
- Unfortunately sauciers are often reduced to stock phrases. Jus saying.
- Are you depressed by continual commands to exercise? Chin up
- I know it’s a long shot but any chance of a yard of vodka? (Don't be mean spirited now!)
- Don’t ask a nihilist to hoover. Nietzsche abhors a vacuum.
- Stoics want to correct my spelling. They have no affect.
- “Death by Sunburn” was never a form of capital punishment in Britain. That’s a summery execution.
- Hang on, aren't we all hoarse whisperers?
- Is bad spelling getting you down? Their their.
- If telemarketers cold call me I usually throw the phone across the room. It’s just one of my hangups.
- Thanks for your manicuring advice, I’ll file it away.
- My whole life’s a mistake. Even my blood’s a typo.
- – You said you’d work in my restaurant last night?
– I said I can’t wait!
- Britain is so sceptical it defies belief.
- I just grew the perfect root vegetable. It’s a real turnip for the books.
- “A pox on both your houses” was a rash pronouncement.
- Agnosticism could be wrong, you never know.
- You think I’m obsessed with Bob Holness? O please!
- I’d like to breed racing deers. I hear you can make a fast buck.
- I couldn’t bare it if they outlawed nudism.
- My stripper name is Mobius. I NEVER show my backside.
- – I’m totes soz for making fun of your hearing aids…
– Yeah, deffo.
- Just entered a yodelling competition. I’m in with a shout
- – How come all roads only lead to Rome?
– Cos there’s no two-ways about It.
- I’ve come up with a thousand separate arguments against scholasticism. They’re a bit a-Thomistic
- Colonel Sanders: Chick magnate
- The temple drummer refused to accompany the service but I had him bang to rites.
- Phwoar, binary code! That’s a noughty one
- I’ve invented an abbreviated form of morse code – for when you just want to dash something off.
- Unsure about artificial intelligence? One day it’ll be make your mind up time.
- "Yeah, it's called a Weep-aphone. A WEEPAPHONE for crying out loud."
- Ah, the Aztec priest, there’s a man after my own heart
- Is it just me or is solipsism nuts?
- 0K magazine leaves me absolutely cold.
- If you like Pop, you’ll LOVE Bublé Rap
- They don’t like you shrinking the Pyramid of Cheops. Small wonder.
- I'm competing in the World Anaesthetics Championships but I reckon I’m only there to make up the numbers.
And then, my favourite kind of pun - a tortuous spoonerism - at 101.
My father quit his job cleaning Tube tracks after they asked him to double as a late-night ghost-buster. He doesn’t fluffer ghouls sadly.