UPDATE: Just to be clear... this is a parody. The intended target is revealed at the end
Prayer in church has long been considered painfully dull, but new research suggests it's also "largely ineffective." The study of 300 intercessors from 14 denominations found that the majority of church pray-ers performed poorly across a range of indicators. More than 80% of congregants reported moderate to severe mind-wandering, with 47% of all church-goers unable to recall more than one prayer-point from the Sunday service.
"This trend of high-distraction / low-retention is obviously unacceptable in today's information age", so said Dag Branstrom a process analyst from KPMG and the report's author. "In terms of participation rates and in terms of the clarity and brevity of communication, church prayers compare unfavourably to other forms of data transfer."
The report advocates for a major overhaul of church services, even mooting the complete elimination of prayers from the worship service.
"Clearly there are more efficient ways of generating prayer" said Branstrom. "For too long churches have invested in methods which evidence disappointing consumer buy-in."
Nigel Fairweather, the Archbishop's Cultural Engagement and Faith Journeys Advisor, embraced the findings. "These are exciting times for missional communities. For too long we have been in thrall to oppressive and monological methods of prayer - no doubt a hangover from Constantinian power-plays. Finally the research proves what we've suspected all along: prayer isn't working, we need to try something new. I can't wait to see where the Spirit leads next."
For similar analysis of church practices, see SERMONS - NOT HOW WE LEARN BEST?