I choose to believe these are the genuine nocturnal ramblings of one Englishman as recorded by his American wife. I believe this in spite of the fact his wife records him using words like "douche-bag" and "doofus".
By the way, he also uses some more choice words, so if that kind of thing offends perhaps don't visit the site and just enjoy the highlights I've gathered here:
"No, not the cats. Don't trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much."
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
"You can't be a pirate if you don't have a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules."
"I'm baking pillows. Burn them slowly, keeps them fluffy! Mmmmmm, pillows."
"Your mum's at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep."
"Oompa loompas don't sing in heaven. They tidy up the clouds."
"Legs time! Everybody get your legs!"
"You can stop clapping now if you want. Really. You'll need your energy for cheering me later. Shhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhh."
"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."
"I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally."
"Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else."
"Fluffy bunny + twitchy nose + big ears = great stew."
"Do you like what you see? No? Well, bloody look harder. Strain your eyes!"
"I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"
"You keep looking at the sun until your eyes dry up like raisins and fall out of your skull."
"Robots making sweets? But they've got no taste buds! Metal smarties."
"This fish has got big floppy lips. Floppy lips. Fishy kissy fishy kissy. Oop, took one on the mouth! Not nice."
"Don't talk to me like that. I'm just gonna throw up in your face. Eat the carrots."
"Hey I know you, but I don't like your face. Take it off... That's much better, much better."
"Yeah. Don't forget to dry-clean the baby."
"Look. Look at my left foot. Look at my left foot. Smack you in the face!"